Temptations

 

Temptation… the word that makes you stop & think… should I or shouldn’t I? Just this once, just this last time…

On virgin islands the stay of a temptation is often the easiest. When the head rules it calls upon all those advisory lessons that have been etched into memory since an age too young. But then a caged bird will only want to fly free when it breathes fresh air. Whoever is an epitome of purity, righteousness and virtue? I’m no God nor do I aim at achieving perfection. I’m a free willed human and it isn’t a sin to live my deepest desires. How it wraps up is a choice I make not but I know for certain, regrets there will be none.

 
 

Gratitude

A piece of fiction… This one turned out quite different from what I had intended…

 

There was a madness in the crowd… ‘Kill him, kill him’

My heart cringed. ‘No, please! Don’t! He’s done nothing’.

‘Lady, you ok?’

 

I looked at the man talking to me. I suddenly realized that it was merely my imagination. The market was bustling, but no one was shouting, no one was even looking at me.

‘Yes, I’m… I’m fine’, I replied.

 

I began walking again. I crossed the fruits and vegetable sellers, walked on & on, till I saw the familiar bridge.

 

I began to walk faster, too fast perhaps, for I was now attracting attention. But I couldn’t slow down. Any minute could be the dreaded one. The bridge loomed nearer. Right underneath it, was what I was looking for. The ticket counter.

 

‘A ticket to Dehradun please.’

The man at the counter looked at me and smiled through his crooked teeth. ‘Travelling alone Miss?’ His bloody lustful smile! If I had the time I would have given him a piece of my mind. But I couldn’t attract attention, not now.

 

‘Yes, can you hurry up?’ I replied, trying not to sound irritated. He handed me the ticket.

I checked the time on the ticket. It said 11.40. I checked my watch..it said 11.30.

10 mins! Please God…please…let these 10 mins go by real quick.

 

I walked to the platform where the train was already awaiting the passengers. People were rushing about in a frenzy. I turned to the little boy standing beside me.

 

‘Yuvak, whatever happens, remember you’ve never seen me before. You don’t know who I am or where I live. Get on this train and get down at Dehradun. Forget everything, ok?’

He nodded in agreement. I handed the ticket to him.

He turned to leave.

‘Yuvak!’, I called back.

He turned.

‘Thank you’.

He smiled… the most beautiful I’ve ever seen. And then with a wave, he boarded the train. A few seconds later, the engine began to hum, a whistle sounded and the train began to move out of the station. I sat down on a bench.

 

Even before I had a chance to gather my thoughts, someone spoke up.

‘Excuse me, are you Ms Skanda?’

‘Yes?’, I replied. How did this guy know my name? And then it hit me. The game was up.

‘We need to interrogate you Miss. Perhaps we can walk over to your apartment and discuss matters?’

 

Post Script:

 

I didn’t know much about Yuvak… not then, not now. All I know is that he worked as a small time help in several places and managed to gather food for sustenance. That day, as I walked back to my flat after my shopping, Yuvak was helping me carry my shopping bags. On reaching home I asked him to wait, I was about to wrap up some excess food I had lying in my fridge and give it to him. But when I walked in, there was my drunken brother… too drunk to make head or toe of me. But he didn’t forget his purpose of being in my flat. Money.

 

It started with pleading, then blackmailing and then finally it turned violent. I was being repeatedly struck. A silent spectator was witnessing all of it. But silent, not for long. With my hand being twisted and my face being struck, I couldn’t gather much strength to stop the outburst. And then I heard it. Metal meeting bone. The clang of metal and the crack of the skull. And when I turned around, there was the vase, lying innocently on the floor and Yuvak standing beside it with an assuring, comforting smile.

 

And the rest… is story.

Farewell My Baby

 

This one was written on 5th Apr, a day after I lost my pet…

 Bereavement from a loved one tears at one’s heart. It leaves behind a trail of memories in its wake and an emptiness inside. There are tears, ‘what if’s’ and recalls from the past. To lose Gloria is like having lost my baby. Being with her for 7 years, ever since she was about a month old, has created bonds which now seem difficult to pen down in the past tense. Having never once thought of outliving her, her sudden departure has hit me hard. Somehow the fact isn’t even sinking in. I cant believe that I’m never again going to see her again. I have never thought of our family minus her and to do so now seems not only detestable but outrageous too.  I wonder if she suffered in her last moments, if she wanted to see us. She was a dog alright, but never have I nor any of my family thought of her being less than a human. She was our baby, the most loved one, the most pampered one and now we wont be able to pat her ever again.

Post Script:

I miss her today more than most days, I just wish I could go and hug her… and she would have undoubtedly made me feel better. 

 

Destination Next *Celebrations Approaching*

 

I know this one should have come a lot before, but I was simply too ecstatic at the time to report it. Ok, so how exactly am I supposed to construct a statement that (perhaps) is the most crucial/important/unbelievable/life determining/life changing of my times?

 

Simply put… I made it to IIM C!!! (and those who don’t get this one…for this is the simplest way in which I could have put it, can simply stop reading beyond this point!!)

 

I’m certain for most, who made it through, must have termed IIM as their dream (unless some psychotic freak was certain to crack it); for me this is way beyond a dream.

 

Let me spare you of the details of why this has been an ‘outta body experience’ kinda thingy. Let’s just say, I wasn’t heading this way, chance made me turn and shoot the dart and well… Voila! I hit the Bull’s Eye!!

 

The day the results were declared, I must have refreshed the web page a zillion times, made my mum read it a thousand times (she really thought the ecstasy had gotten into my head & my brother was adamant on officially terming me insane ), I did everything I could do to ensure that the page doesn’t stop saying ‘Congratulations’.

 

I guess it was hard to believe, some things are just too good to be really there in front of your eyes, look like they have the perfect figure, arouse the most ‘happy’ feelings and… actually belong to you!

 

I want to thank…blah blah blah (they know who they are)… for getting me to IIM. It’s great to know I’m going to be heading to Kolkata in about a fortnight’s time. (I’m trying really hard to be modest here).

 

I feel grand about this and perhaps, till I really get there… this will continue to seem like a dream.

 

Why can’t my life be wholly mine?

 

Why can’t my life be wholly mine?

 

Why must others’ expectations define my ambitions?

Why must others’ dreams shape my reality?

Why must others’ concept of reality distort my dreams?

 

Why must schedules & timetables

Chart my life?

Why must a planner

Tell me what to do?

 

Why must a clock decide

The ‘time’?

Why can’t I distort it to suit myself?

 

Why must applause from others make me feel proud?

Why must discouragement & criticism show me the ground?

Why must a pat from someone else have more significance

Than my own faith in myself?

 

Why must others’ opinions become a fact?

Why must others’ idea of right & wrong

Become ‘Right’ & ‘Wrong’?

Why must unspoken rules force me to think in a certain way?

 

Why can’t I indulge in eating to my heart’s content?

Why must the weighing machine decide my diet?

Why must my appearance to people decide my wardrobe?

 

Given this very minute will be my last…

Will I enjoy again, the taste of chocolate, the smell of citrus, the sight of a baby’s smile?

 

I’m not demanding a reckless freedom

I’m only asking what is already mine

Not to be broken in splinters, distributed to the world

To shape and distort as they please,

 

Why can’t my life be wholly mine?

Over ‘CnC’: Lesson #2 Being a kid *sigh*

I love kids… but not the ones who continue to remain kids well after they’ve entered adulthood. This has to be a sample of ‘Look I am so dumb, I can act like one & still not know it!’

  

*Dialogues that were directed at me*

  

“She is indulging in politics (or to imply thus). She didn’t ask me if I wanted to go with her to the canteen for lunch & went with XYZ instead!”

Oh yeah! That sure is politics… my political motto being… ‘I don’t give out special scented invitation cards when I’m going to the canteen for lunch!!!’ And the last I knew, the canteen was a free-for-all entry… I couldn’t stop you even if I wanted to!

(PS: the dialogue speaker & XYZ are both girls… (& so am I)…so it isn’t a love triangle theory)

  

Another alteration of this story…with another person… was that I didn’t talk to her. No, no…it wasn’t like I didn’t talk to her… it was like…I didn’t serve a platter of conversation in front of her while she was getting bored! Now I can understand the need of an invitation for joining me for lunch but an invitation for a conversation! Hell! I would give that pleasure even to a stranger w/o any excess effort…then what does a friend have to question in that?

 

*Dialogues that weren’t directed at me*

 

“I want to be in that other division. All my friends are in that class!” and a flood of tears.

Well, I understand if a toddler does this. But a (then) 21 year old??? Its outright hilarious. Wait, wait… actually approaching a professor with this reason & requesting him?… Lol!!

 

I fail to understand why people can’t act their age. How foolish can one get in an attempt to draw the focus towards them? Hell! If anything, such scenarios R-E-A-L-L-Y help me understand my friends/humans better!

Over ‘CnC’ : Lesson #1 Being Single v/s Being Committed (& dumb)

I have nothing against couples. Some of my friends are the best couples ever (or so is the belief). Since I have personally been on both sides, I have to say, that being single is the winner!

 

Let’s see why… having a partner can be so amazing! Just think of all the things that you do when you have a guy (or a gal)…

 

You can talk incessantly with your partner… how your day has been, what you did, what you said to your best friend, how you bitched about that ‘bitch’, what time you woke up, what ‘mummy’ made for lunch… *yawns* …’can you like please stop?’

 

Or you can tell your partner 1440 times in a day how much you love him/her (that’s the no. of mins in a day, by the way)

 

Or you can tell your friends that you already have plans for the day… which turns out to be going for a movie with your partner… no, no…that’s nothing to debate about. Even if you’ve just spent 8 hours with your partner in the college already. And when your friend cries and threatens your friendship, if you don’t go out with her that very minute… you agree instantly… and then friend, committed friend and committed friend’s partner go on a ’sort of dates’.

 

What the hell am I driving at? Only this… of all the lovely couples I know, not one has a sense of individuality!

 

For instance, You just missed your train… what the heck do you do? Check on the next train and get tickets?… heck, no! call your boyfriend… ‘Honey! I just missed my train… sniff…what should I do?’

‘Sweety, find out about the next one & get on it.’

And then you check up and get onto the next train

 

Or… you have to fill in a form and choose between 2 subjects…and you don’t know what to choose… simple… (you guessed it!)… ‘Honey, should I take up subject A or B?’

Here, the situation is not akin to the train problem. Our dear ‘Honey’ isnt even in our stream and to him both A & B are like Martians…aliens I mean.

(oh, his reply was somewhere around, we’ll check up the syllabus & decide)

 

Or… ‘I have to go to college and give a presentation’… ‘Sweety , I love you so much… I’ll be a nut and sit through your presentation’… (even though I have office (do you now?))

 

I really am not questioning (or mocking) anyone’s love or their relationships. What I’m trying to find out is… is it required on one’s part to lose your complete sense as a person simply because you want to be dedicated to someone? How dependent can you grow (& be proud of it) on another? To the extent where what your partner says is the ultimate truth?

 

I do not see this as the perfect couple. Ideal love is not this way, when I see it. To be in a relationship… means reveling in each others company, seeking comfort in each others arms… but not at the cost of wiping out your own self from it. Forget that, hell! It doesn’t mean you have to act dumb and pretend you cant think on you own!

 

Being emotionally involved is one thing, but to have your brains sucked out like that! If you still go onto glorify such a relationship… I’m all for being single!

OVER CIGARETTES AND COFFEE

 

 

First onto the title..     

 

Cigarettes are certainly not my kind of thing. So the inclusion of this word in the title is merely for the purpose of setting the ambience of this piece of writing. Certainly coffee is to my taste, and over the course of time, during which all these ramblings have been accumulated, coffee was a constant factor on the table. This writing doesn’t cater to the need of granting truth, much less knowledge. It is purely for the sake of penning it down that I’m doing this, and in your case, solely the reason that at some point of time, you’ve managed to stumble across this piece and I’ve managed to capture your interest thus far that you continue to read this.

 

How my mind first conceived all this…

 

It was a simple task really. Boredom & the need for socializing led to some out of the classroom hanging out, with a few faithful. Faithful because any gossip (to the extent of being nasty) did not find its way back to the person around whom the gossip revolved. Sometimes the feelings were mutual, and I could literally see the fires flaming high. Sometimes it was just my mouth blabbering and a silent listener taking it all. Either way, it got things through my ears, into my head and out of my mouth. What is indeed challenging in the entire sequence of events are “names”. It was always a matter of contention, to take names and talk. Of course in the absence of names, things could be said without any reservations at all but then there was no fun (and yeah, fun at the stake of twisting and mutilating the truth for the sake of amusement and entertainment!).

 

I know, its wrong, detestable, perhaps outrageous too, to speak ill of others. But let me clear this up. What I voice out is an analysis conducted solely on the basis of an observation of a person. I dissect severely, no denying that, right to the minutest level of detail and talk/ruminate over it. But at no point do I judge people. In fact, I’m not judgmental about people. What they do, say, think is entirely their occupation and none of my concern, but yes, certainly a matter of notice and talk.

 

And for the last time…

 

…will I justify the use of the word ‘cigarettes’. Just the way, it ends up in smoke and ash, so do most of such ramblings, but I do recognize the potential harm such talks can cause..injury…fatal injury…and yes, I’m aware of it all the while!!

 

PS – I think its only fair to give each such conversation a life of its own… look out for posts with Over ‘C n C’ for continuation…

INTO THE SEA

 

This one speaks of betrayal…coming from those you’ve known to be your best ones…

 

I could taste the salt from the sea. The smell only wafted through my nostrils but it couldn’t avoid the nasal passage, before finally resting on my taste buds. I knew this taste too well. It was the taste of betrayal.

 

It had been a nice, warm morning. After the chores, done in the usual morning haste, I had managed to sneak a few minutes away from the chaos that spilled onto my laptop, in the form of work pending to be done, into the blissful breaking of the waves in my backyard. This was my dream-house. It offered the perfect sanctuary for a family, the perfect comfort for two lovers and the perfect privacy for a loner. At different points of time I had walked in and out of all the three roles. Today, I would cease being either of them.

 

I have always had an affinity for the sea. The only thing intolerable about it is the smell which sometimes tends to get unbearable. I had the perfect solution to that: jump right into the waves and disappear in its depths. It feels like being a part of another world altogether, as if the world in the sea is a greater part of the world. It is though isnt it?

 

Like any other day, I stole a few minutes after breakfast, before getting down to work, to awaken myself completely by watching the sea roaring. It was then I tasted it. The taste of betrayal.

 

It was stifling to say the least. It couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t like I couldn’t tolerate it. It was more like being suffocated. Suddenly, everything I knew of the morning as being nice and warm changed to a chilling grey. I was certain now. This was going to be the end of it. But why me?

 

I was choking, quiet neatly that too. There wasn’t a soul around for miles. I couldn’t even scream for help. My vocal chords seemed to have lost their ability to produce sound. I stood there with my hand clutching my throat. I could see the sky beginning to gear itself up for the final blow it was going to deal to me.

 

Heavens! No! Not me! I couldn’t even think straight. How could this be happening to me? The place, the sight, that had always given me a sense of love and security, couldn’t be betraying me. How could it be so merciless? How could it simply unleash itself and behave the way it wanted to? Didn’t it have any consideration for my feelings?

 

I could see the world dissolving. As I stood transfixed, I saw the charging daggers rush towards me. It was betrayal giving me a blow. I couldn’t even ask it why it was doing so. I could only stand mutely and keep being slapped, hard, inside and outside my body. There was no mercy. Not a bit. I shut my eyes.

 

It kept raining hard, the waves kept rushing nearer, and the taste of the salt began to evaporate. I opened my eyes. I knew where the smell was disappearing.

 

I was getting lost in the depths of the sea.

THE AGE OF REASON

There was this time more than a decade ago, when I was a completely care-free, full of life girl. The day began on an eager note and went by, as I frolicked about loving everything that came my way. My imagination then was limited but I kept accumulating my day’s thoughts at the back of my mind, which years later would come gushing back before my eyes every time I was feeling low. All this was a life before the age of reason began.

  

Childhood is indeed an age of innocence. You know less so you question a lot. You are inquisitive and you have a desire to know everything there is to know. That is an age when you want to learn.

  

But then dawns the dark hour which I call the age of reason, where every time you learn something new you counter it with a reason. ‘Everything needs to have a reason.’ This is a thought that is embedded in your brain and then no questions go unanswered without a reason. As a child I remember I took interest in the minute details that life offered. The sights, the sounds, the smells. The warmth of my mother’s hug or the hysterical laughter when I was tickled. That was a time when everything I learnt was thanks to the little intricacies that life offers. But when I learnt the word ‘reason’ I pushed back everything else into the background. My world was still colored but it didn’t appear the same. Rather I had stopped noticing. Now I went everywhere looking for a reason. I was losing on the intricacies and was instead focusing on a superficial world that ran on reasons.

  

Sadly on most days it a reason that serves to mark my mood. Happy, sad, ecstatic, depressed, upset, joyous…every thing comes about by means of reasons.

  

I look back to those days when I didn’t know and understand a reason. There was so much happiness then. There still is….but once again it only comes about if there is a reason. They say you shouldn’t look back into the past. But the truth is if I stopped looking back I would never learn. I have come a long way off and my journey will take me even further beyond from where I had started. The only thing I crave for from the past is the innocence lining my life. Here again I’m painting it with a reason.