Over ‘CnC’ : Lesson #1 Being Single v/s Being Committed (& dumb)

I have nothing against couples. Some of my friends are the best couples ever (or so is the belief). Since I have personally been on both sides, I have to say, that being single is the winner!

 

Let’s see why… having a partner can be so amazing! Just think of all the things that you do when you have a guy (or a gal)…

 

You can talk incessantly with your partner… how your day has been, what you did, what you said to your best friend, how you bitched about that ‘bitch’, what time you woke up, what ‘mummy’ made for lunch… *yawns* …’can you like please stop?’

 

Or you can tell your partner 1440 times in a day how much you love him/her (that’s the no. of mins in a day, by the way)

 

Or you can tell your friends that you already have plans for the day… which turns out to be going for a movie with your partner… no, no…that’s nothing to debate about. Even if you’ve just spent 8 hours with your partner in the college already. And when your friend cries and threatens your friendship, if you don’t go out with her that very minute… you agree instantly… and then friend, committed friend and committed friend’s partner go on a ’sort of dates’.

 

What the hell am I driving at? Only this… of all the lovely couples I know, not one has a sense of individuality!

 

For instance, You just missed your train… what the heck do you do? Check on the next train and get tickets?… heck, no! call your boyfriend… ‘Honey! I just missed my train… sniff…what should I do?’

‘Sweety, find out about the next one & get on it.’

And then you check up and get onto the next train

 

Or… you have to fill in a form and choose between 2 subjects…and you don’t know what to choose… simple… (you guessed it!)… ‘Honey, should I take up subject A or B?’

Here, the situation is not akin to the train problem. Our dear ‘Honey’ isnt even in our stream and to him both A & B are like Martians…aliens I mean.

(oh, his reply was somewhere around, we’ll check up the syllabus & decide)

 

Or… ‘I have to go to college and give a presentation’… ‘Sweety , I love you so much… I’ll be a nut and sit through your presentation’… (even though I have office (do you now?))

 

I really am not questioning (or mocking) anyone’s love or their relationships. What I’m trying to find out is… is it required on one’s part to lose your complete sense as a person simply because you want to be dedicated to someone? How dependent can you grow (& be proud of it) on another? To the extent where what your partner says is the ultimate truth?

 

I do not see this as the perfect couple. Ideal love is not this way, when I see it. To be in a relationship… means reveling in each others company, seeking comfort in each others arms… but not at the cost of wiping out your own self from it. Forget that, hell! It doesn’t mean you have to act dumb and pretend you cant think on you own!

 

Being emotionally involved is one thing, but to have your brains sucked out like that! If you still go onto glorify such a relationship… I’m all for being single!

OVER CIGARETTES AND COFFEE

 

 

First onto the title..     

 

Cigarettes are certainly not my kind of thing. So the inclusion of this word in the title is merely for the purpose of setting the ambience of this piece of writing. Certainly coffee is to my taste, and over the course of time, during which all these ramblings have been accumulated, coffee was a constant factor on the table. This writing doesn’t cater to the need of granting truth, much less knowledge. It is purely for the sake of penning it down that I’m doing this, and in your case, solely the reason that at some point of time, you’ve managed to stumble across this piece and I’ve managed to capture your interest thus far that you continue to read this.

 

How my mind first conceived all this…

 

It was a simple task really. Boredom & the need for socializing led to some out of the classroom hanging out, with a few faithful. Faithful because any gossip (to the extent of being nasty) did not find its way back to the person around whom the gossip revolved. Sometimes the feelings were mutual, and I could literally see the fires flaming high. Sometimes it was just my mouth blabbering and a silent listener taking it all. Either way, it got things through my ears, into my head and out of my mouth. What is indeed challenging in the entire sequence of events are “names”. It was always a matter of contention, to take names and talk. Of course in the absence of names, things could be said without any reservations at all but then there was no fun (and yeah, fun at the stake of twisting and mutilating the truth for the sake of amusement and entertainment!).

 

I know, its wrong, detestable, perhaps outrageous too, to speak ill of others. But let me clear this up. What I voice out is an analysis conducted solely on the basis of an observation of a person. I dissect severely, no denying that, right to the minutest level of detail and talk/ruminate over it. But at no point do I judge people. In fact, I’m not judgmental about people. What they do, say, think is entirely their occupation and none of my concern, but yes, certainly a matter of notice and talk.

 

And for the last time…

 

…will I justify the use of the word ‘cigarettes’. Just the way, it ends up in smoke and ash, so do most of such ramblings, but I do recognize the potential harm such talks can cause..injury…fatal injury…and yes, I’m aware of it all the while!!

 

PS – I think its only fair to give each such conversation a life of its own… look out for posts with Over ‘C n C’ for continuation…

INTO THE SEA

 

This one speaks of betrayal…coming from those you’ve known to be your best ones…

 

I could taste the salt from the sea. The smell only wafted through my nostrils but it couldn’t avoid the nasal passage, before finally resting on my taste buds. I knew this taste too well. It was the taste of betrayal.

 

It had been a nice, warm morning. After the chores, done in the usual morning haste, I had managed to sneak a few minutes away from the chaos that spilled onto my laptop, in the form of work pending to be done, into the blissful breaking of the waves in my backyard. This was my dream-house. It offered the perfect sanctuary for a family, the perfect comfort for two lovers and the perfect privacy for a loner. At different points of time I had walked in and out of all the three roles. Today, I would cease being either of them.

 

I have always had an affinity for the sea. The only thing intolerable about it is the smell which sometimes tends to get unbearable. I had the perfect solution to that: jump right into the waves and disappear in its depths. It feels like being a part of another world altogether, as if the world in the sea is a greater part of the world. It is though isnt it?

 

Like any other day, I stole a few minutes after breakfast, before getting down to work, to awaken myself completely by watching the sea roaring. It was then I tasted it. The taste of betrayal.

 

It was stifling to say the least. It couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t like I couldn’t tolerate it. It was more like being suffocated. Suddenly, everything I knew of the morning as being nice and warm changed to a chilling grey. I was certain now. This was going to be the end of it. But why me?

 

I was choking, quiet neatly that too. There wasn’t a soul around for miles. I couldn’t even scream for help. My vocal chords seemed to have lost their ability to produce sound. I stood there with my hand clutching my throat. I could see the sky beginning to gear itself up for the final blow it was going to deal to me.

 

Heavens! No! Not me! I couldn’t even think straight. How could this be happening to me? The place, the sight, that had always given me a sense of love and security, couldn’t be betraying me. How could it be so merciless? How could it simply unleash itself and behave the way it wanted to? Didn’t it have any consideration for my feelings?

 

I could see the world dissolving. As I stood transfixed, I saw the charging daggers rush towards me. It was betrayal giving me a blow. I couldn’t even ask it why it was doing so. I could only stand mutely and keep being slapped, hard, inside and outside my body. There was no mercy. Not a bit. I shut my eyes.

 

It kept raining hard, the waves kept rushing nearer, and the taste of the salt began to evaporate. I opened my eyes. I knew where the smell was disappearing.

 

I was getting lost in the depths of the sea.

THE AGE OF REASON

There was this time more than a decade ago, when I was a completely care-free, full of life girl. The day began on an eager note and went by, as I frolicked about loving everything that came my way. My imagination then was limited but I kept accumulating my day’s thoughts at the back of my mind, which years later would come gushing back before my eyes every time I was feeling low. All this was a life before the age of reason began.

  

Childhood is indeed an age of innocence. You know less so you question a lot. You are inquisitive and you have a desire to know everything there is to know. That is an age when you want to learn.

  

But then dawns the dark hour which I call the age of reason, where every time you learn something new you counter it with a reason. ‘Everything needs to have a reason.’ This is a thought that is embedded in your brain and then no questions go unanswered without a reason. As a child I remember I took interest in the minute details that life offered. The sights, the sounds, the smells. The warmth of my mother’s hug or the hysterical laughter when I was tickled. That was a time when everything I learnt was thanks to the little intricacies that life offers. But when I learnt the word ‘reason’ I pushed back everything else into the background. My world was still colored but it didn’t appear the same. Rather I had stopped noticing. Now I went everywhere looking for a reason. I was losing on the intricacies and was instead focusing on a superficial world that ran on reasons.

  

Sadly on most days it a reason that serves to mark my mood. Happy, sad, ecstatic, depressed, upset, joyous…every thing comes about by means of reasons.

  

I look back to those days when I didn’t know and understand a reason. There was so much happiness then. There still is….but once again it only comes about if there is a reason. They say you shouldn’t look back into the past. But the truth is if I stopped looking back I would never learn. I have come a long way off and my journey will take me even further beyond from where I had started. The only thing I crave for from the past is the innocence lining my life. Here again I’m painting it with a reason.