Destination Next *Celebrations Approaching*

 

I know this one should have come a lot before, but I was simply too ecstatic at the time to report it. Ok, so how exactly am I supposed to construct a statement that (perhaps) is the most crucial/important/unbelievable/life determining/life changing of my times?

 

Simply put… I made it to IIM C!!! (and those who don’t get this one…for this is the simplest way in which I could have put it, can simply stop reading beyond this point!!)

 

I’m certain for most, who made it through, must have termed IIM as their dream (unless some psychotic freak was certain to crack it); for me this is way beyond a dream.

 

Let me spare you of the details of why this has been an ‘outta body experience’ kinda thingy. Let’s just say, I wasn’t heading this way, chance made me turn and shoot the dart and well… Voila! I hit the Bull’s Eye!!

 

The day the results were declared, I must have refreshed the web page a zillion times, made my mum read it a thousand times (she really thought the ecstasy had gotten into my head & my brother was adamant on officially terming me insane ), I did everything I could do to ensure that the page doesn’t stop saying ‘Congratulations’.

 

I guess it was hard to believe, some things are just too good to be really there in front of your eyes, look like they have the perfect figure, arouse the most ‘happy’ feelings and… actually belong to you!

 

I want to thank…blah blah blah (they know who they are)… for getting me to IIM. It’s great to know I’m going to be heading to Kolkata in about a fortnight’s time. (I’m trying really hard to be modest here).

 

I feel grand about this and perhaps, till I really get there… this will continue to seem like a dream.

 

Why can’t my life be wholly mine?

 

Why can’t my life be wholly mine?

 

Why must others’ expectations define my ambitions?

Why must others’ dreams shape my reality?

Why must others’ concept of reality distort my dreams?

 

Why must schedules & timetables

Chart my life?

Why must a planner

Tell me what to do?

 

Why must a clock decide

The ‘time’?

Why can’t I distort it to suit myself?

 

Why must applause from others make me feel proud?

Why must discouragement & criticism show me the ground?

Why must a pat from someone else have more significance

Than my own faith in myself?

 

Why must others’ opinions become a fact?

Why must others’ idea of right & wrong

Become ‘Right’ & ‘Wrong’?

Why must unspoken rules force me to think in a certain way?

 

Why can’t I indulge in eating to my heart’s content?

Why must the weighing machine decide my diet?

Why must my appearance to people decide my wardrobe?

 

Given this very minute will be my last…

Will I enjoy again, the taste of chocolate, the smell of citrus, the sight of a baby’s smile?

 

I’m not demanding a reckless freedom

I’m only asking what is already mine

Not to be broken in splinters, distributed to the world

To shape and distort as they please,

 

Why can’t my life be wholly mine?

INTO THE SEA

 

This one speaks of betrayal…coming from those you’ve known to be your best ones…

 

I could taste the salt from the sea. The smell only wafted through my nostrils but it couldn’t avoid the nasal passage, before finally resting on my taste buds. I knew this taste too well. It was the taste of betrayal.

 

It had been a nice, warm morning. After the chores, done in the usual morning haste, I had managed to sneak a few minutes away from the chaos that spilled onto my laptop, in the form of work pending to be done, into the blissful breaking of the waves in my backyard. This was my dream-house. It offered the perfect sanctuary for a family, the perfect comfort for two lovers and the perfect privacy for a loner. At different points of time I had walked in and out of all the three roles. Today, I would cease being either of them.

 

I have always had an affinity for the sea. The only thing intolerable about it is the smell which sometimes tends to get unbearable. I had the perfect solution to that: jump right into the waves and disappear in its depths. It feels like being a part of another world altogether, as if the world in the sea is a greater part of the world. It is though isnt it?

 

Like any other day, I stole a few minutes after breakfast, before getting down to work, to awaken myself completely by watching the sea roaring. It was then I tasted it. The taste of betrayal.

 

It was stifling to say the least. It couldn’t be happening. This wasn’t like I couldn’t tolerate it. It was more like being suffocated. Suddenly, everything I knew of the morning as being nice and warm changed to a chilling grey. I was certain now. This was going to be the end of it. But why me?

 

I was choking, quiet neatly that too. There wasn’t a soul around for miles. I couldn’t even scream for help. My vocal chords seemed to have lost their ability to produce sound. I stood there with my hand clutching my throat. I could see the sky beginning to gear itself up for the final blow it was going to deal to me.

 

Heavens! No! Not me! I couldn’t even think straight. How could this be happening to me? The place, the sight, that had always given me a sense of love and security, couldn’t be betraying me. How could it be so merciless? How could it simply unleash itself and behave the way it wanted to? Didn’t it have any consideration for my feelings?

 

I could see the world dissolving. As I stood transfixed, I saw the charging daggers rush towards me. It was betrayal giving me a blow. I couldn’t even ask it why it was doing so. I could only stand mutely and keep being slapped, hard, inside and outside my body. There was no mercy. Not a bit. I shut my eyes.

 

It kept raining hard, the waves kept rushing nearer, and the taste of the salt began to evaporate. I opened my eyes. I knew where the smell was disappearing.

 

I was getting lost in the depths of the sea.

THE AGE OF REASON

There was this time more than a decade ago, when I was a completely care-free, full of life girl. The day began on an eager note and went by, as I frolicked about loving everything that came my way. My imagination then was limited but I kept accumulating my day’s thoughts at the back of my mind, which years later would come gushing back before my eyes every time I was feeling low. All this was a life before the age of reason began.

  

Childhood is indeed an age of innocence. You know less so you question a lot. You are inquisitive and you have a desire to know everything there is to know. That is an age when you want to learn.

  

But then dawns the dark hour which I call the age of reason, where every time you learn something new you counter it with a reason. ‘Everything needs to have a reason.’ This is a thought that is embedded in your brain and then no questions go unanswered without a reason. As a child I remember I took interest in the minute details that life offered. The sights, the sounds, the smells. The warmth of my mother’s hug or the hysterical laughter when I was tickled. That was a time when everything I learnt was thanks to the little intricacies that life offers. But when I learnt the word ‘reason’ I pushed back everything else into the background. My world was still colored but it didn’t appear the same. Rather I had stopped noticing. Now I went everywhere looking for a reason. I was losing on the intricacies and was instead focusing on a superficial world that ran on reasons.

  

Sadly on most days it a reason that serves to mark my mood. Happy, sad, ecstatic, depressed, upset, joyous…every thing comes about by means of reasons.

  

I look back to those days when I didn’t know and understand a reason. There was so much happiness then. There still is….but once again it only comes about if there is a reason. They say you shouldn’t look back into the past. But the truth is if I stopped looking back I would never learn. I have come a long way off and my journey will take me even further beyond from where I had started. The only thing I crave for from the past is the innocence lining my life. Here again I’m painting it with a reason.

THE LIFELESS BODY

I guess, just about everyone has ‘one of those days’, which I define as far from being happy, more precisely, (just to be subtle) gloomy days. What one feels (& thinks) could be extremely variable but there is no doubt, that for all, its like looking down into an abyss of void. I have given that feeling a life of its own…’coz it pays a visit (at least to me) as if it was a casual guest. He is what I call ‘The lifeless body’. And this is how he is…

 

Like a tattered garment, its shreds blow in the wind. It threatens to be ripped apart from its soul. Like some thirsty animal, it is in search of just one drop of water. It is like a stranded person in a desert, looking for an oasis. Time and again his senses fool him. He comes very close to being ecstatic, the madness of having his wish fulfilled, when suddenly he realizes its all a trick of the nature.

 

Umpteen times he has been let down. Sometimes even stamped upon. But this crazy soul isn’t a quitter. He knows how to fight and fights well. Someday you might see him lurking in the shadows behind your curtains, but even before you can take a second glimpse, he’ll be gone.

 

It’s all very well to say that he isn’t my responsibility, why the hell do I care? But the truth is you do care. His presence is filled with void, and when your sparkling, shimmering feelings begin to dissolve, he shall pay a visit to you.

FEELING THE FANGS WITHIN…

This was written in connection with something I do not wish to elaborate… but it’s the first sign of my defiance attitude…or shall I say… ‘I don’t care if I end up in the drain, as long as I’m smug and my mind is at peace.’ Its something only those with rebel instincts would understand…

 

The day, as most days, was NORMAL. I was doing something for certain, for that’s what you do anyways, but something insignificant enough for me to not remember. But it hardly matters what preceded the sequence of events. What matters is that I discovered a new alley down the lane, the astonishing part being that, I didn’t even know that it existed.

 

They was some clicking, in an irritating, persistent manner, somewhere within. I wanted to shut it out, there was no time to explore, much less to attend to it. But the mind rarely wishes to spare anything that’s new. Either pick it up by its hairs and kick it out, flush it down the drain, or else lay a red carpet and prepare an extravagant feast in the honor of the new arrival.

 

So I had to shut whatever it was I was doing and go down into the Alleyway. The noise was unlike anything I’d ever heard and I was just as anxious as excited. What was I going to stumble across?

 

I didn’t have to search too deep down. The Beast was in fact purring right beyond the entrance. It wasn’t pretty but was certainly docile. Just like a pet. And I was in love with it, although something was certainly clicking in my mind, it’s fangs. I could have it kicked out but I didn’t, and that was the first sign that the fangs were already scratching against my soul. That’s how I left it there, for good or bad, I refuse to comment.

 

And I felt its first taste this morning. (why it tasted like honey!). I didn’t want to go (you know where)… so there was this beast trying to turn me round. Why, I even gave it a shot and tried to dodge (my daring!) but then luck prevailed…no not senses, senses were deceiving, but my luck pushed me forward and now at the end of the day, I’m secretly glad for the way things turned out for the day was as smooth as a slice of cake sliding across my tongue.

 

Not that I’m concerned…in fact I’m secretly glad to have the beast down there, but knowing what it can do to my mind, I wonder if it’ll make me a rebel. Whether I’ll be glad or not is for me to wait and watch but right now, I need to feed it and ensure it stays healthy.

WHEN YOU STOP BEING COMFY…

 

Sometimes it can be extremely unnerving to be around some people (friends as they are called). I realize that you don’t necessarily have to be in disagreement with someone in order to understand that you dislike the person’s attitude. For instance, the unyielding, or shall I say, stubborn refusal to compromise and to go along with others. Ok, I completely understand that you don’t have to give in to others nor do you have to indulge in that which doesn’t catch your interest. But to put your foot down so firmly that its solely your way and only your way is unfair. Ok read again: In my case its either my way or no way, but never my way and only my way. At least with me there’s always scope for the other to stand where they are if not go ahead.

 

Since I cant speak from another head, I deem it wise to put an abrupt end to such thoughts. But of course, an observant and analytical mind is rarely spared of such minute intricacies of human behavior and attitude.

A TIME OF A LIFETIME…

 

In reference to my last 4 years (shall I be specific and say, my Engineering times)… those who’ve known me on the better side…esp in recent times…will know the significance of every word quoted

 

Whence comes this time?

 

Where I have learned & lost,

Labored, pained, cried,

Laughed, smiled, loved,

Hated, detested, bitched

Been an angel & decayed

 
 

I will dig up this time

Never to recall it, perhaps,

But there is no denying,

These have been the most memorable years

Of what I’ve lived thus far